TOP 6 WAYS TO INHIBIT COMMUNICATION
It’s been said that what you say is not nearly as
important as how you make people feel. Others intuitively
know whether you value or discount them. Below are the top
six ways to inhibit meaningful communication. As you review
this list, ask yourself, “To what extent do I inhibit
or encourage communication?”
When you:
=> Control
• Interrupt
• Finish another’s sentences
• Change the subject (diversion)
(Impact on Receiver: “I can’t participate
in the conversation”)
=> Use a guilt strategy
• Avoid authenticity (in denial)
• Distort emotions (martyrdom)
• Care only about self; you ignore the other person’s
feelings
(Impact on Receiver: “I feel manipulated”)
=> Become ambivalent
• Give mixed messages
• Ignore your feelings (passive)
• Continue to do tasks while a person is speaking with
you
(Impact on Receiver: “You don’t care”)
=> Make others wrong
• Refuse to take another’s point of view into
account
• Attacks; sarcasm; putdowns
• Blames; use of condemning language
(Impact on Receiver: “I feel judged”)
=> Appear all knowing
• Have all the answers/lecturing/advising
• Make assumptions; defensive
• Monopolize the conversation (closed mind)
(Impact on Receiver: “You’re not flexible”)
=> Act superior
• Ignore (disrespectful)
• Belittle; criticize
• Command; demand
(Impact on Receiver: “You think you are better than
me”)
These attempts to direct the talker limit the discovery of
useful information and block understanding. Typically, this
“I don’t care about you; I care about me”
attitude surfaces when the listener doesn’t want to
hear what is being said, doesn’t know how to handle
what is being said, assumes they already know what is being
said or disagrees with what is being presented. This behavior
breeds power struggles or leads to an impasse. It increases
stress and undermines rapport and trust. Conversely, encouraging
the talker creates connection and expands information.
The communication process is complicated enough without using
the above counterproductive tactics. For most people, speaking
is like breathing; we do it automatically without spending
much time on how we do it. Mostly, we notice how other people
are lacking in good communication skills. Observe your communication
patterns; in which situations do you curtail communications?
There’s no need to feel bad about it, just be aware
of it. Know that it’s okay to stop in mid-sentence,
and say, “I don’t want to say it like that. Let
me begin again.”
Let’s take a closer look at how communication happens
and how it breaks down. First, we have the sender who encodes
the message. In deciding to speak to your teenager, you use
words to convey what you have in mind. Think about your desired
outcome before opening your mouth. Being clear about your
outcome can immediately influence how you communicate. The
potential for misunderstanding starts here based on your word
selection and tone. If your tone is caring, then the words
you choose are still important to the message, but they are
secondary. If your tone is angry, then even the best selection
of words will be contaminated. If you need to send a message
to the receiver and you expect that it may not be well received,
practice using a tone with a neutral charge; called “charge
neutral” in coaching. It takes the emotion out of your
words.
For harmonious communication to occur, you need to be in rapport.
It’s the most important ingredient to any interaction.
You do it naturally when there is a sense of shared understanding;
when that’s not there, find something likable in the
other person. Each of us has traits that attract or repel.
To develop rapport, be an attraction finder, not a fault finder.
Next the receiver decodes the message. This means the receiver
interprets the message based on his or her own experience
base, personal knowledge, filters of the world, and emotional
state. If the sender and receiver have different assumptions,
vocabulary, and communication styles, there’s a good
chance that the message will be decoded differently from the
sender’s intent.
Then, the receiver transmits the feedback to the sender.
The words the sender selects often provides clues about how
he or she interpreted the message. At the end of the conversation,
it’s a good idea to check for understanding to avoid
making assumptions. Looking at this communications model,
isn’t it a wonder we understand each other at all?
To succeed at communicating, recognize the communication
takes place when we allow for individual differences and when
your message has been received and acknowledged. Some of the
time, others will agree with us and sometimes, not. Too often
we think successfully communicating means that we’ve
converted the other to our way of thinking. Know that you
are successful when you respectfully and truthfully deliver
your message for another’s consideration.
Copyright © 2004 by Barbara McRae. All rights reserved.
If you wish to reprint this article, please contact barbara@enhancedlife.com.
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